Breaking Empire Prologue

Okay guys, after writing a bit about writing, and putting a short story up, I’m going to take the next step.  I wrote a prologue for a book Idea and am rather pleased with it.  I let a friend read it and she was intrigued by it.  So, I’m going to put the prologue on here and let you guys read it.  Please, leave a comment and tell me what you think.  Does it sound like something you’d want to keep reading?

Breaking Empire

Prologue

    Breakers.  That was the name they gave to us, before they died.  Those who Broke.  We shattered treaties, trust, faith, and loyalty, we shattered the very foundations of both our peoples.  That was our fate, the one we chose for ourselves, in our arrogance.  We thought we were destined to greatness, to become the rulers of an empire greater than any before.  And so we were.  We rule an empire, a nation of vast borders, ever expanding, but an empire built upon the bones of our friends.

    They helped us, the Broken did, helped us when no-one else would, helped us, even though the helping drove them to their knees.  They stood beside us, fought beside us, died beside us.  Their warriors died for our children, burned in sorcerous flame and torn apart by merciless swords.  We asked for their lives and they gave them willingly, all in the name of friendship.
    
    Ah, how I wish we had done otherwise.  The tears on my face, they are for myself, wept in the shame of my companions.  It was their failing, now become mine, for I said nothing against them, a failing that caused the death of a noble people.  What pride we had, so adamant in our surety of our destiny, that we would destroy those who saved us.  
    
    But it is a wrong that can be righted, a wrong that must be righted, else our souls will never know peace.  I am the last, the last of the five, the Right Hand of the Emperor, still serving a long dead lord.  The others, dead in battle, striving to right the wrong they had done, charging me with the duty we all placed on ourselves.  Centuries were needed, before we saw, one by one, the evil of our actions.  Centuries of conquest, expansion, the building of a dread empire.  But we saw, long though it took, and we have done our best.  
    
    I am the last, so old that I am very nearly a lord in Time, leading an army the like of which this ancient world has never before seen.  An army, raised to right a wrong committed centuries ago, but a wrong still so close to us that we can halt the wicked blow before it is struck.  A vast company of legions marching, all marching into an oblivion which we desire so much. 

6 thoughts on “Breaking Empire Prologue

  1. This is very good indeed! I really like the very first word and sentence! It really pulls you in as a reader! It makes an excellent beginning! My only issue is that at first it says, “Breakers. That was the name they gave to us, before they died. Those who Broke.” but in the next paragraph it says the Breakers helped them, so I’m not sure who this refers to as it is a little confused or maybe I’m just confused as the second paragraph starts with, “They helped us, the Broken did, helped us when no-one else would, helped us, even though the helping drove them to their knees.” so are the people in the prologue the breakers or a different people? There’s a little issue with tenses in the last line as it says, “A vast company of legions, marching, all marching into an oblivion which we desire so much.” Should that be desired…as in past tense?? That’s about it really, other than that I really enjoyed this! It gave me goose bumps! I’d love to find out more! What happens? How this war started? What is this world like? This is so much like the older fantasies I’ve read in the past and thoroughly enjoyed! 🙂

    • I’m really thrilled that you like it!! This story… wow. Trying not to sound conceited, but this story has so much potential! 😀 I’m dying to write it. (but scared I won’t get it right)

      And actually, normally each of those would be valid problems, but here they’re correct. XD First, the writer is one of the ‘Breakers’ and he’s speaking of the ‘Broken’. In the war he writes of, his people were being eradicated by a foreign enemy. A… ally-of-necessity came to his people’s aid, but that ally was badly decimated by helping them (think the 300 at Thermopylae). Then, when the threat was gone, the writer’s people turned on their allies and destroyed them. As such, the writer’s people were considered to have ‘broken’ their allies. They then went on to build an empire that the writer poetically describes as ‘built on the bones of our friends’.

      As for ‘marching into oblivion’, the writer is speaking in present tense. I always rather considered this prologue to have been something of a testament he wrote as he was on the march. 😉

      It STILL gives me shivers every time I read it. Something about it has the tinge of a Tolkienian, I think, something about the sadness it evokes. It’s definitely going to be written and I’m hoping the rest of the book lives up to the prologue. And it does remind me of the older fantasies and that was my intent. I wanted to get away from the modern ‘realistic’ fantasies that mistake ‘grey’ morality and viciousness for ‘realism’, if you understand my meaning. 😉

      • Now I think about it, yes, I get what you’re doing with this prologue and thanks for clearing up the tenses, I wasn’t sure about that, but now it makes sense to me! I love that you’re going to do a story based on the older fantasies! Many of my books are in the older, and in my opinion, better style. I particularly like David Gemmel (an English writer who has sadly passed a few years ago now) His Troy trilogy was amazing! Love that! And your prologue has so many elements I love. The emptiness and futility of war is thoroughly expressed. Wonderful! 🙂

        • You’re welcome. The idea was to illustrate just how awful the betrayal was, by showing how it wore away at the writer’s conscience over millennia.

          Indeed!! I still haven’t managed to find anything by Gemmel (though I’m still looking) This prologue most reminds me of the ‘Silmarillion’, with the rather sad fate of a brave people.

  2. Somebody

    I think you pulled the style off really well. It practically screams high fantasy. Reminds me of Tolkiens poetry in prose form.

    • *bows* Thank you! Tolkien’s poetry, eh? High praise. 🙂

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